I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
