If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
