Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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