I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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