does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
