Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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