I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
