One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
