I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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