So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
