Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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