on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
