24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
