i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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