I wish my penis had an off switch
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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