If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
