Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Acid is not a monday night drug
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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