Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
