I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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