yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
