i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
