just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
