I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
