The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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