Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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