from now on my penis is your penis
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
