I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
