i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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