last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
