Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
