my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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