nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
