did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
