it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
