I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
