you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
