no, he came in my armpit
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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