pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Please, let me fuck your mom
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
