I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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