There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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