Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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