I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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