Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
