This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
