i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
