If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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