i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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