I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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