I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
