I will die if light touches me.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
